Having trouble individuating creates a wide variety of problems. When you haven’t sufficiently individuated, it is often difficult to know what you want and need. If that is the case, finding satisfaction in life is not easy. You are stuck with questions such as: “What do I want?” “Do I like X?” “Should I be feeling this?” Marla* is an example of someone struggling with individuation.
Marla came to therapy at the age of 29. She was a young woman who could find little satisfaction in her life. Her job as a computer programmer in a small retail company offered little satisfaction. She had one or two people at work whom she felt some connection to, but had no relationships with either of them outside of work. She had never been in a relationship with a man for more than two months. At the time she came to see me, she was using an internet dating service, but rarely found a man she was interested in. Her perfectionism resulted in her ruling most potential matches out as either not educated enough, not good looking enough, not rich enough. Marla had two friends from college whom she was in some contact with. One, Fred, was in a committed relationship with Philip, his partner of 3 years. The other, Connie was single and also using the internet to find a relationship. However, Connie frequently found men to go out with and was not as available for socializing with Marla as she would like. Connie was also (according to Marla) very beautiful and this created a lot of envy for Marla.
